Losing Yourself

I spent my Lunar New Year holiday watching criminal documentaries – “American Murder: The Family Next Door”, “Crime Scene: The Vanishing at the Cecil Hotel” and “Trial 4”.

The two latter documentaries were intriguing and well made but the first one really touched me the most.

It is about the story of a husband and a dad murdering his pregnant wife and 2 beautiful daughters, so that he could, hopefully, moved on into a “happier” relationship with his new girlfriend.

The documentary showed very personal texts between the couple and also conversations his wife had with her friends about her suspicion about his cheating. The struggles that were shown in the documentary is very real, especially in this day and age where both parties are less dependent on each other and any lack of effort can very quickly lead to straying by a party and/or other unfortunate events.

I watched the documentary with my wife and we both wondered why can’t the killer just go for a divorce since he is unhappy in this marriage, even though he has 2 kids. That’s better than where he is right now, incarcerated and with no possibility of even leaving the prison.

That’s when I told her that when we reach a stage where we lose ourselves, our logical mind starts to become silent. The other mind then starts to “problem solve” and sometimes, the route towards the resolution charted out by this mind may not be logical and is most probably irrational.

How do I know? I know because I have been at the edge before. The step out of the edge is direct and tempting. But I am lucky that I did not cross that line.

It is truly sad to see that two beautiful girls were killed because he lost it. It is unfortunate that his pregnant wife had to lose her life too because she also most probably under-estimated his capacity to act so viciously. He had been a mild mannered guy and it did not helped that he had this new green pasture that was so ready to move on to – towards a new chapter with the love of his life.

I am writing this to remind us all that it is really so easy to lose yourself. Stress over money and family are very slippery slope down the scary path. It is imperative that we stay positive and hopeful and not allow ourselves to lose our compass. No matter how big a problem is, some boundaries have to hold.

I am all over the place with this writing because I am so deeply touched by the story and saddened by it. But I also understand that a sane person would not have done what he has done. I also believe that if given a chance, he would have chosen differently. But life is not a game, there are no save or reload points. It is easy for someone who is not in his situation to judge, and I am not saying that it is not his fault. It was his fault but I also understand that when we are so overwhelmed, it is easy to lose ourselves.

That’s why it is important, so very important, to be emphatic, to be vigilant to watch over your loved ones and friends, to be there when they are down and to hold their hands when they need help. We truly never know when one of them or even us would lose footing on this earth. Be less critical, embrace and be genuinely concerned towards people. And for ourselves, remember that it is so easy to lose yourself, so please always reach out early before it gets too late.

In loving memory of Shanann, Bella and Celeste Watts