I have really been pondering on these questions lately. What is wrong with me? I must have lost focus somewhere – career, relationships, or perhaps God? I really wonder why it is so easy for us to mis-focus on something that is so simple yet complicated. God’s love is like the wind; invisible but tangible. How then can I lose focus on something so wonderful and sweet?
I reckon that sometimes, I am trying too hard to walk in the light. Walking in truth and love could be a such a simple task if only we know how to. I guess that I have been too conscious about my actions, the things I do and the stuff that exits from my mouth. Once again, trying to attain HOLINESS on my own strength and might. How hard it is and how vain can I be? Am I trying too hard? If so, I just want to be a good son to a WONDERFUL Father, the Father of the UNIVERSE! What is wrong with that?!?
I have really pondered and prayed about. I really want to live a life that is separated to Him. After almost 3 years of experiencing His tangible presence, my soul could no longer stand the dirt that always fall upon me. Have you ever wonder why your television gets dusty the next day after your spring cleaning? Because dirt is everywhere! This world is so dusty and dirty! How then can I be kept pure from the dirt of the world. I am sure that I, myself will not be able to stay dirt-free for ONE day! I am not sure if anyone can achieve that! Dirty as I wakes up. Muddier as the day passes by.
The more I tried to consciously stay dirt-free, the more frustrated I become! I am like a hygiene freak. “Yucks! Dirt!!!… Better blow it away!” Phew….. I am so tired! I give up! Suddenly, something gentle just surged through my body and this gentle, smoothing sensation began to refresh my soul and comfort my spirit! “Let the weak say I am stong!” Wow… I have really given up on myself to stay pure but it is now that He can really work for me. All along, He had always wanted to help me stand in the gap, to pull my worlds together… but time and time again, I snatched it away from Him and tells Him that I can handle it… I can stay pure; I can work and earn my righteousness… How foolish can I be?
I started out knowing that “it is not by might, nor power but by His Spirit.” Now, this! Haha… Man… I am really weak and impaired. It is such a simple instruction but still… I failed! I am indeed a broken vessel… one that leaks every now and then. Nothing can be poured into me. Wow… I cannot even do such a simple thing. But thank God that there is something call GRACE. It is like a sticky gooey stuff that fills in the gaps of this broken vessel. I used to be HOLEY… but now I can be HOLY! Praise God. Lord, please teach me how to not try to do everything by myself! I am truly aware of my disability, please help me! Indeed, by Your Spirit, make me WHOLE once again. I do not want to condemn my own soul by living legalistically! Teach me Your ways. I want to sense Your presence daily, sensitize my soul; soften my heart, one that follows after you!